I've been tossing and turning for a long while, trying to get back to sleep and, failing that, trying to figure out why I can't. And I realized it's not because it's dangerously boiling under the covers because Sam is his own central heating system; nor is it because I have "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees playing over and over in my head; nor is it because my stomach is acting like I haven't eaten in days.
It's because I'm having a bit of an identity crisis right now (although maybe I'll need to eat breakfast early...and possibly put a hit out on whichever of those musical apes decided to write that obnoxious song). I'm trying to figure out how exactly I portray myself to others, and also to what extent it matters. Not that this is anything new, rather that my life's worry has recently culminated in this obsessive and frustrating concern over how I appear to others.
There have been a few incidents
I realize that's a super vague statement. However, the fact that I've hashed out the scenario a trillion times in my mind and several more out loud to people who'll listen makes me rather want to avoid doing it again.
But telling the story isn't really the point of this post. It's more about why I can't figure out to what extent we need to worry about how our actions effect others. Sam is kind of the epitome of not caring what people think of you. He is kind of a duck, and everyone's opinion of all the little things he does-- annoying, bold, whatever-- just roll right off his back like water.
Apparently I'm more like a sponge. I remember everything anyone has every said to me about things I've done that may have bothered people or been insensitive, or whatever.
Like when I was 15 and my Young Women's teacher was having a baby shower and I asked (maybe not in the best tone), "do we have to go?" I was really asking because I had a band thing that day and I was afraid of overlap, but it sounded rude, and I could tell she was offended. Or like the time on a school field trip when I was bored out of my skull and asked the people in the car with me kind of a personal question, unaware that it was kind of a sensitive issue for someone in the car with me.
So maybe the issue here is that I'm often just clueless and stupid. Or maybe my behavior has always been just mild enough that I've never needed to be reprimanded, and I therefore think I can get away with having a bit of an attitude, or acting on any number of the other quirks I have. Unfortunately...people don't know me as well as I think they do, because I'm typically kind of a private person, unless we're very close already, so acting fully myself around some people is apparently a bad idea.
But on top of that, misunderstandings happen. And sometimes people are crazy and totally blow things out of proportion. Just because I have to be told twice doesn't mean I'm going to take criticism personally and get revenge. What??
Ok, I'm starting to bore myself, so I'll be plain. Here's the problem I'm trying to sort out (there are a few parts): how do we trust the people around us to gently point out when we've done something to offend them so we can reverse the damage before it's two years after the fact and the kept grudge has festered and grown and is now keeping you from going to certain graduate schools or participating in certain really awesome work experience opportunities? And when those people are people we admire, how do we know they won't betray us or at least not stand up for us when faced with critical (and potentially crazy or overly angry) people? And most importantly, how can we repair the damage if we were stupid or careless or more focused on making conversation or making people laugh or whatever else?
People almost never tell me what they think of me. And since no one has ever tried to punch me in the face, I assumed people just liked me. Now I'm starting to feel like that assumption isn't true, and that scares me.
Also, I'm apparently going to have to take up a new/weird hobby because I will either not be going to grad school for a year, or not be going at all. Suggestions?
3 comments:
I'm... confused. One second I think I know what you're talking about, and the next second I'm thrown for a loop. Clearly I don't know what you're talking about because I can't understand the correlation between most of your post and your career.
Anyway, to a greater extent on your part, this reminds me of what I was talking about on my blog the other day. Basically, you know what to do about it, but you just don't like the answer. First of all, there's absolutely nothing you can do about the past beyond apologizing, and if there's some kind of retribution actually possible, then you do that to the best of your ability. Beyond that, there's nothing. You just have to try and move on and strive to learn from the experience and become a better person than you were.
Also, part of you seems to think that there's really no way you can help being the way you are, and to an extent that's true. People make mistakes, that's true, and you're people (but also one of the great stars in the firmament, or whatever the heck she says ;D) and that just goes with the territory. You can only try your best and apologize as needed along the way.
Also... remember that quote by Eleanor Roosevelt? "Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."
And with that, I bid you adieu. And you should come over sometime. You can do yoga with me and we can talk. And maybe you can try my granola that I'm making tonight, if you come within the next couple of days.
I've soooomething impoooorrrtant to saaaay (a la the caterpillar in Alice at the Palace), but it's too lengthy to go here.
Megan: the part about it messing up my career is related because my actions apparently ruined a certain important professor(s?) opinion of me, which has made it difficult, if not impossible (over-reacting?) to get into grad school.
And I did apologize when I found out, which was 2 weeks ago, and the incident was 2 years ago. So it was a little late. Anyway.
I *do* need to come over though and do yoga and chat with you and stuff.
Namaste.
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