Tuesday, September 21, 2010

How Avatar Ruined My Life

If you know me, you know I hate Avatar. And by saying that, I just lost 1,000,000 fans, I'm sure (or maybe more like 1). This is why:
It's an improvement.
1. I had to write 2 (TWO!) essays on the movie for one of my archaeology classes. One was about their kinship groups (how are we supposed to really determine that from a two-hour movie?) and the other was about their trash and their...other...waste, and what we can learn from it. Yeah. We also spent two class periods talking about how the Na'vi or whatever should have died out long ago based on their methods of food-getting in comparison to their religious beliefs. And it's true, they should have. I wish they had, then there wouldn't be the movie, and then I wouldn't have had to write essays about them. Wait, what? It's not real????????!!!?

2. James Cameron cheated, and does not deserve the prize for Movie That Made The Most Money Ever (yes, there is a prize for that). Not only did he release it in IMAX, which charges twice the normal rate, and not only is he re-releasing it (is anyone really going to see it a second time? wait....), but he also employed the use of one of my least favorite things on this good earth: 3D.

3. Why do I hate 3D so much? I once spent nearly two hours explaining it to a roommate before she finally understood where I was coming from. I'm not going to spend that kind of time on here because I'm not. In a nutshell:
-It looks fake to me. I can't get in to the movie, because the magic is lost.
-I hate wearing those big chunky glasses. They hurt. And...
-They are distracting. I can't focus on the film, and since the magic has been lost anyway, I can't concentrate. So I start fidgeting and looking around next to and behind me, and I see...
-Everyone looks like a bunch of blank robots. Mostly because of the glasses. They hide peoples' faces, so they look emotionless, and that, to me, is sad.
-A lot of the 3D effects are really just cheap tricks. You know, swooping through canyons, having the arrow/spear/whatever come OUT OF THE SCREEN OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW REEEEEAL IT LOOKS!!!
Honestly, I regard movies as works of art (I'm not being pretentious, at least not on purpose), and in my opinion, a good cinematographer will make the film feel real without having to rely on cheap tricks and overpriced technology. Also, the success that Avatar had financially/with 3D/with the masses means that there will never be a highly anticipated film that does not come out in 3D. I don't mind seeing it in IMAX, but I do not want it to be in 3D. That's actually what sparked this post. Harry Potter comes out in a couple of months, and I would absolutely love to see it in IMAX, but I can't without seeing it in 3D, because the two go hand in hand now. And because my darling sisters don't mind 3D, I'm going to lose something in the event (either their company as I watch it in 2D on a humble regular screen, or the reality and magic by seeing it with them in 3D). It's just not fair. Boo.

4. Avatar has become a cult. Seriously. Just think about it, I'm not going to explain it. One example is the people who wanted to kill themselves because Pandora wasn't real. Or because the world wasn't in 3D (???!??!?). Second example: they renamed the mountains in China that look sort of like the floating mountains in the movie to match those mountains, even though they were fashioned after the Chinese mountains to begin with!!!! Does that sentence make grammatical sense? Meh.

5. It's a ripoff of Pocahontas. Or Fern Gully. Or whatever. And Pocahontas is a million times cooler than Avatar. I quote Pocahontas all the time (sort of...), but does anyone ever quote Avatar? That's right.

6. Don't even get me started on the whole "But it makes me want to love the eeeeeearth...." thing. You should've been loving it anyway.

Don't shoot me.


LP said...

I won't shoot you, but you slay me! This is hilarious, and I agree with you about 70%. I would add that James Cameron sucks at writing dialogue but that he excels at making crowd-pleasing movies. I don't hate Avatar, but I doubt I'll ever go see it again.

I think I agree with you about the 3-D thing.

Also, again, you are funny.

eric and adrien said...

Hahahaha....I'm so glad you wrote this. It was funny when you talked about it earlier, but it's even funnier to read it. Amazing.

Also...I almost died laughing (literally) when you mentioned that people wanted to commit suicide because the WORLD ISN'T IN 3D...you know.

Megan said...

yur so funy shannon! i cant beleiv the world isnt in 3d! no waiiii!!!11!!!1

Seriously, I don't care whether we see Harry Potter in Imax or not, and I don't care if it's in 3D or not. I'm still tainted by that imax movie about the canyon. Wooooo swooping eagle.

friezen said...

I mostly agree. The first time I saw it I was overcome by how reeeeeal it looked. The second time was actually hard to watch. Maybe it was because I actually couldn't stand the story or maybe it was because we were sitting in the second row, but still.

By the way, I'm jealous re: Harry Potter.

katie said...

don't worry... shaun and i hate avatar, too. actually, everyone i've spoken to about it doesn't like it.

Zach and Kelly said...

I'm just now catching up on people's blogs, so I just have to join in and say I also hate Avatar and don't understand the ridiculous hype around it.