Friday, February 8, 2013

There's No Place Like Home

I was chatting with a guy I work with the other day about how I like to write, and he asked if I was capable of writing about things I didn't know anything about.  I told him I most definitely could if I had a minute to do a little research, but in my heart I knew it wouldn't be as "clever" or "interesting" as what I normally write because I knew diddly-squat about it.

But, I was determined to prove to myself that I could, so I had this amazing idea of doing a live blog on crown moulding.

Sometimes I don't know why I think things are a good idea.

And then, yesterday, Caity sent us this thing that delineated 50 reasons why Texas is Eden or Utopia or whatever other amazing place you can think of.  I read through it because I'm a good sport and I'm trying to convince myself moving to Texas would be a great idea (more on that later, maybe).  But I'll always be a California girl at heart, I just can't help it.  And I can't resist a little tease-fight-picking.  So I told Caity the list was totally subjective (because who really likes armadillos and Renaissance Fairs, seriously?) and then I told her I could do the same thing for any state, even Kansas.  Caity said please do, so I did, because I know nothing about it.

I've never been to Kansas, and I really have nothing personal against it.  But every one of my husband's family does.  Apparently it was the equivalent of Hell for all of the two years that they lived there.  If you like Kansas, I'm sure it's a swell place.  But for humor's sake, I can't resist the challenge.  And you know it'll be way better than instant updates on crown moulding trivia.

10 (Because 50 is way too many) Reasons Kansas is Utopia/Eden/Wherever

1. The Food:  Namely corn pone and fried chicken.  Apparently fried chicken is, in fact, the state food. You just can't complete your Little-House-on-the-Prairie-Party without corn pone (and a flowered flannel nighty).  And fried chicken is, well, fried chicken.  Greasy, bready, artery-clogging chicken.  Nom.

2. Tornadoes Kansas is famous for them and you know it.  They're super awesome, too.  And according to Bill Paxton they are the most awesome force on the planet.  PS if you've never been to Universal Studios Orlando you are missing out on the Twister "experience." (Skip to about 3:00)

3. Smallville Not Superman in general, but the WB (or the CW for you new folks) show starring Tom Welling as a pubescent Clark Kent.  And in that universe, Superteen lives in Kansas.  And everyone is either an alien or radioactive.  And yet somehow everything is kept totally secret.  And because it's a very small town in Kansas, everyone is young and attractive.  Wait...what?

4. Wide Open Spaces I can see how this could be both an awesome thing and really unnerving.  But when you think about how totally alone you are in all of everything, and that there's nothing around you in any direction...yeah... You can run around in your skivvies and no one will be any the wiser.  Like this guy puts it, "The towns dot the map every 20 miles or so.  Not that a map is entirely necessary.  One picks a road and rides it for nearly 400 miles...Your choice of restaurant, motel or campsite are easy because it's either one or none."  A great thing if you're indecisive!

I hate blurry stock photos
5. Really Cool People Kansas has produced some pretty awesome and upstanding citizens, namely Earl Browder of the Communist Party USA, Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, and hey! a whole Wikipedia section on Kansas' most INfamous.  Must be something in the dust.

It's legit!
6. Weird Laws Everywhere has weird laws.  And when I read through some of these, I realized that, for Kansas, some of these aren't all that weird.  Of course they had to outlaw riding animals in the street.  And singing the alphabet after dark (and when you add in the federal law that forbids dancing to the national anthem, ain't no one having no musical fun in Kansas, fools).

7. Truck Henge I have nothing to say about this.  But it's Kansas-Awesome.

8. The World's Largest Ball of Twine  Ball of twine.  The world's largest.  I think I first read about this in Disney Adventures back in the 90s (look here, n00bs).  I can't wait for the day when I can say I have nothing better to do than to tie twine to my already World-Record-holding ball of the stuff.  In Kansas, that is one big fat NP!!

Good times in Cawker, KS for these folks
9. The "Garden of Eden" How perfectly fitting this is, and what better proof of Kansas' Eden-tity (ha!) than the Garden itself?  It's a completely non-creepy limestone statue garden covered in ivy and featuring no less than the embalmed body of the builder.  You can't die without seeing this (and maybe it'll be the last thing you do, too)

You should be glad I didn't put a picture of the embalmed guy.
10. Waterbeds for Horses Apparently, the Kansas State University Veterinary Department provides waterbeds for their horses during surgery.  Now if that isn't proof that Kansas is the lap of luxury, I don't know what is.  Case closed.
It's a real shame there aren't any actual pictures of this.  Fortunately, you have me to help you out with the vision.

Of course, doing research on all this Kansas stuff I found out there're actually some neat stuff that's come out of there, like Amelia Earhart and the girl who told Abe Lincoln to grow a beard.  Totes noteworthy.  Totes-worthy?



Caity Cummings said...

hahahahahahahaha I LOVE THIS!!!!! so funny! also, i know you know this and that it was a brain/typing disconnect, but tom welling is superman! tom felton is malfoy! (like i said, i know you know that already.)
anyway, we all read this together and laughed hysterically the whole time. esp at the infamous people. omigosh we are dying.

LP said...

Thanks for the funny laugh.

That horse is so glad you put it on a waterbed.

Some of those so-called dumb laws don't sound so dumb to me, like laws against urinating on walls, spitting on sidewalks, etc. And I think the law about singing the ABCs after dark applies only if you're in a restaurant and it's actually "Happy Birthday to You" instead of "ABC".

Jared and Megan said...

#10? I'm moving there. Done and done.

Melissa Kunz said...

phew, it's a good thing no one saw me crossing the highway without my taillights attached when we were in kansas! haha kidding. you do make kansas sound way more appealing though. we drove through it yet again on our trip out here and i'm regretting not stopping at the world's largest ball of twine! maybe we ought to give the state more credit...

Caity Cummings said...

i just read this again and lol-ed a lot