This is Diapers!

Aviso:  This is a long post (I'm not burdening you by making it a multiple-part post), and obviously on a niche topic, but I think you should read it anyway, because I'm determined to dispel any rumors about cloth diapering, and if you ever find yourself facing a diaper change of the cloth variety, this might be helpful.  My intention is not to try to convert anybody, merely to inform.

Also, I added in loads of pictures for visual stimulayshe.  YAY.

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"This is diapers! It's so easy, it's simple!  Even babies think it's simple.  I mean babies don't think it's simple."

It's now been a year and a half or so (even approaching two?!) since I started using cloth diapers!  I think I deserve a pat on the back, not because it's such a hard thing, but more because I have survived in the face of adversity and opposition!  I kid, I kid.

Her first time in cloth: next time I will not wait a month (or two, I don't remember) before diving in.  Also SKINNY LEGS!!

But I would say that the two hardest parts about cloth diapering, in retrospect, were:

1. Getting other caregivers to be on board

2. My child has the stinkiest and most voluminous amounts of pee known to mankind

Okay, now I need to provide a disclaimer here:  I love my family and I really love anyone who is willing to watch my child for any length of time (and really really love anyone who will change a diaper for me), but I had some interesting scenarios or concerns come up when other people changed Rosalind's diapers (ie diapers put on backwards...more than twice), and more often than not, they would default to sposies (which is mostly fine if I'm not paying for them).  I guess I could've done better at providing a little diapering lesson, but maybe I just think they're more intuitive than they actually are (...but aren't they?), which brings me partly to the whole reason behind this post, which is to prove to all 3 of you reading this that cloth diapers are not confusing or scary in the least.

So.  First, if you're still reading (Hi Mom!), I wanted to show what I tried, and how I liked it (or didn't).  Then I want to come back to Problem #2 I mentioned earlier, since that apparently is one of the biggest problems people have with cloth diapering (and have since the dawn of time, apparently).

A magazine ad from I think the 1920s?

Here it goes:


1. POCKET DIAPERS.

When I first thought of trying cloth, I thought pockets would be my thing, since they are equal parts convenience and ease.  I did bucketloads of research on pockets alone, and while I would've loved to have had a top-end style such as BumGenius (warning: almost every brand in the cloth diaper industry is stupid), in the end I decided to settle for a smaller brand.  I had heard good things about SO MANY different kinds (Kawaii, Alva, Sunbaby, JustSimplyBaby, etc), but I eventually went with Sunbaby because:

A) They were really affordable
B) They have a less stupid name
C) They have LEG SNAPS for better fit (not sure if anyone else does...?)
D) They have a flap over the pocket for leak protection

Sunbaby is actually one of the only ones out there made in China (besides no-name brands), but the lady who owns the company is just a regular mom who happens to be Chinese-American (or maybe just Chinese, I don't remember), and she has spoken out on the quality treatment of her laborers, so there's that.

Here you can kind of see the leg snaps I'm referring to.  They are excellent for skinnier babies.  They became superfluous after a while on Ros, but I couldn't have predicted that...

Ok.  So.  With pocket diapers, there are two parts: the (adjustable size) shell (which has the PUL fabric on the exterior and a fleecey liner sewn to it, creating a pocket, into which you place the second part, an insert.  Inserts come in a variety of fabrics.  I tried microfiber, bamboo, and cotton (I never got to try hemp, but I hear they are wonderful, although most are a blend, usually of microfiber).

Microfiber inserts are the most absorbent, and they are awesome at that.  However, it's kind of difficult to get them clean, ESPECIALLY in one of those evil "energy efficient" washers (more on this later...HE washers are the worst thing to happen to cloth diapering).  Because of the way the microfiber is made, they hold lots of fluid, but it's harder to get soap in there to clean all the little particles of ammonia off.  So they can easily become LE STINK.  Here's a good visual I took from this site.

Bamboo were easier to get clean (all natural-fiber materials are generally easier to get clean and have good absorbancy), but the bamboo inserts I got were too thin for my baby's elephant-sized bladder, and stuffing two inserts into the pocket was like...impossible.

I also had several bird's-eye cotton flat diapers I originally got by accident in looking for those Gerber ones that are so good for burp cloths (horrible for diapers, bee-tee-dubs), and they turned out to be good for using as inserts, folded up.  They were more absorbant than the bamboo, and sometimes I would double them up with bamboo.  In cloth diaper speak, techinically any insert or whatever used outside the pocket, or just in a cover by itself, is called a "doubler," SO CREATIVE.

This is when I resorted to using only doublers.  It was too bulky for my taste.

BUT!  After we moved in with my parents, who have an HE washer, things quickly went downhill with that microfiber (as in, I was embarassed to be with her in public with a wet diaper because she smelled like a skunk stuffed into a garbage can-- which I have actually smelled in my life, so hey!).  I tried SO MANY THINGS to get them smelling clean again, which, when I address Prob #2, I will tell you about.  Also, possibly from all the junk I did trying to get the stink out, a quarter of the covers' PUL wore down and they started seeping, and I had to throw them away, which was irritating.  In the end, I gave Ros a brief break to recover from a nasty ammonia burn (I am really making cloth sound enticing, aren't I?) by putting her in sposies, and found an alternate solution in the world of...


2. PREFOLDS!!!

Prefolds are what most people think of when they think of cloth diapers.  This is what my mom used on my brother and I when we were very wee.  It's what probably everybody used until the invention of the disposable dipe.  But technology has improved since those days, and you know what?  I actually really like diapering with prefolds, like way more than I thought I would.

The prefolds you can get in the store from Gerber are crap.  Just getting that out of the way.  They are fantastic for burp cloths, obviously, but they don't do much in the way of diapers.  Dunno why.  So after a bit of research, hands down the absolute BEST place (actually...is it the only place??) to get prefolds is Green Mountain Diapers.

I love Green Mountain.  It's run by some crazy lady in Vermont who has some kids and a LOT to say about cloth diapering.  I read pretty much everything she wrote on her site (which took several hours but was all very interesting).  They are great quality diapers and are SUPER INEXPENSIVE!!

I also watched a few YouTube videos on how to change a prefold diaper in record time (which was silly now that I think about it, but when you're not so sure, it can be helpful).

I ended up getting a dozen cotton prefolds (I've since gotten a dozen more in a bigger size), which we afix with a Snappi, which is probably the coolest (and easiest to fasten) new addition to prefold diapering.  It's basically a stretchy thing with hooks kind of like on the metal bit you use to keep an Ace Bandage in place.  It's easy, safe, quick, and I think it's a great invention.

Here she is showing off the first time we tried prefolds (the cover goes on over this).  Also if I look at this picture too long, it looks like she has a nub for a left leg and that really bothers me.

See the Snappi?  No pins, no clips, just singular, stretchy, hooky goodness.

The thing about prefolds is that you need to put on an extra, waterproof layer, so it takes maybe 15 seconds longer than putting on a pocket or an all-in-one or a sposie.  But I don't mind.  You can do the plastic (aka rubber) pants they sell at the grocery store, but I wanted something more breathable, so I got a couple of PUL covers (aka "wraps").


3. ALL-IN-ONES (AIO)

An All-in-One is just what it sounds like, and is closest to a sposie in setup and ease.  They are basically the PUL shell with a couple layers of absorbent fabric, which are sewn in and not removable.  That makes them a little more difficult to get clean, but fortunately, ours are made with cotton, so they're usually okay.  Also, ours have adjustable fronts too.  Actually, I always make sure what I get is adjustable, and I always get snap fasteners (velcro, aka Aplix, wears out too fast, so I hear).

When I bought the pocket diapers, I also found 4 AIOs on KSL of the elite BumGenius Elemental variety for only $32 for the 4 of them (normally ~$25 each...why??), so I snatched them up.  When we got them, they stank, and one of them looked like it had been chewed up by a dog, but after an initial washing, these puppies have been AWESOME.  Over time, and knowing Ros is at least the 3rd baby to use them, they all one by one have deteriorated to the point that we couldn't use them any more.  But I still loved them, like a lot a lot.

AIO when she was a little smaller (in a sense...look at those thighs...)

..And when she's a little older...

Blurry: Side view

Blurry: back view

If I had the money to shell out for BumGenius, I totally would.  They fit super well, are trimmer than the Sunbaby, have never leaked (unless I leave her in them too long or they reached the end of their life), and are pretty dang solid.  Even the chewed-up one outlasted some of the pockets.

Sam likes the prefolds, but he has said more than once that the AIOs are his favorite to put on (aside from the occasional stink issue because they are harder to clean), so there you go.


4.  WRAPS/COVERS

I got 3 adjustable Kawaii covers from Kid to Kid for $1-$3 apiece, and they have been pretty good.  On one of them, the snaps are getting a little worn, but I have no idea how many kids they've been through since I bought them at a consignment shop, and they still close, so whatever.  I think they are a smaller size though, and I can stretch the amount of days between laundry with more covers, so I eventually got 3 larger covers.

The other 3 I got were Thirsties Duo Wraps (a good, popular brand) wraps.  I like them because they are still adjustable and because they have extra leg gussets for leak protection.


5.  FITTEDS

Fitted diapers are basically prefolds, but fitted (meaning elastic around the leg and at the back).  Ours are the Workhorse diaper from Green Mountain, so they also have an extra doubler sewn in.  They don't come with a waterproof layer, so you still have to use a cover.  Some people like them for all the time, but I think they're a bit bulky, though very absorbent, so they are what I use on Ros for night-time.


6.  WOOL COVERS

I was super skeptical of wool, because the idea behind it seems kind of counter-intuitive.  But in combination with a fitted diaper, this is without a doubt the most leak-proof solution I've found for nighttime!

The bad things about wool are:

A) You have to wash them by hand with special, lanolizing wool soap

B) They are expensive

C) They are bulky

The good things are:

A) They are completely waterproof once lanolized, and only get more waterproof with time as they felt naturally

B) They have the ultimate breathability (no plastic or chemical layer, just knit wool)

C) You only have to wash it once every few weeks, and wool has natural deodorizing properties (I was most skeptical of this, but no joke, by the time I put it on her again at night, it's completely odorless!)

D) You can make one yourself out of an old wool sweater if you are the crafty type  (Ha.  I tried this.  Got a couple of sweaters for a few bucks each at a thrift store but it turns out I SUCK AT USING A SEWING MACHINE, so yeah, we'll stick with the Disana for now)

Exhibit A. Wut.

Exhibit B.  I give up.

We bought a basic wool soaker from Disana (they sell them for a pretty good price on Green Mountain), and I like it quite a lot.  The cool thing about wool is that, if they're lanolized, you can just slap on a pair of wool pants or wool overalls and it works just as well as a diaper-cover-only one.  I think that's a little weird, but it can cut down on the bulk of layers.  Since we just use it for nighttime, the bulk doesn't bother me as much, since Ros is so fat she has to be in huge pajamas anyway, so it all fits fine.

And the first night in wool pants

I was skeptical.  But they are very soft and comfy and didn't leak a bit!

NOW, BACK TO THAT PROBLEM #2!!

So, like I said, Rosalind pees like an adult and has all the stink of ages.  It's kind of freaky.  She gets plenty of water (um, yeah, hence the volume), but she has always been this way, since birth.  But in combination with only having access to an HE washer, it caused a HUGE problem with ammonia buildup, and pretty quickly.

It smells.  It burns your baby.  It's impossible.  It's bad.

Lucky for you, if you're facing this, I've tried basically everything, so you can learn from my trial and error (though your own trial and error is usually best).

Things I tried to get rid of ammonia buildup:

1. Boiling:  Don't do it.  It's a waste of time, it smells, and it damages fabrics.  Certainly NEVER boil PUL.  The heat melts the plastic and they are no longer waterproof.

2. Blue Dawn Soap:  Relatively useless.  And hard to get out.  I was never dumb enough to use it in the washing machine (just in the tub), but some people have done that, and it can void the warranty on your washer, so yeah.

3. Rockin' Green Funk Rock:  Works pretty well, but isn't a very permanent solution, and it's kind of expensive.  You can see it here.

4. Bleach:  Works like heaven!  But without other changes to our washing routine, we had to do it at least once a week, and that's ridiculous (plus it can damage the fabric over time if you do it too much).  Also of note, always let the diapers soak in bleach OUTSIDE because ammonia + bleach = poisonous gas!!!

5. White Vinegar:  Works the same as bleach, but is not as potent, so I mostly use it for a maintenance rinse, not for heavy duty stuff.

6. Switching to Tide:  With most cloth diapers, they recommend a specific diaper-friendly detergent.  I normally use Ecos Free & Clear.  There are a zillion other recommendations out there.  Here's a good chart I've consulted.  But the cool thing about cotton prefolds is that you don't really need a special detergent if you don't want to, and if you have ammonia problems, switching to regular, powdered Tide can do the trick.  I was hesitant since I'm sensitive to chemical fragrances, plus some people swear it is basically like setting your diapers on fire, but I went for it.  It took me a few washings, but I definitely saw results by making the switch, and I don't have repelling issues.

7. Hot water and multiple rinse cycles:  This is necessary!  When we had the standard washer, my wash routine was: a regular cycle on cold without soap, a regular cycle on hot with soap, and a quick rinse/spin.  It was dandy.  With the HE washer it's harder and takes more time.  I normally do: soak cycle, regular cycle on cold or warm (Delicate has the most water) without soap, regular cycle on hot with soap, regular or extra rinse cycle on cold without soap, and sometimes an extra extra rinse cycle with short spin.  It takes a while, but you do what you can.  I've been seriously tempted to go to a laundromat and use a standard washer some days, but convenience wins out -_-

Update (since I originally wrote most of this while we were still living with my parents): since having our standard washer back, our wash routine (every 3-ish days) is a cold rinse, hot cycle with soap, extra rinse on cold.  We use Tide, and sometimes (like if we were out of town and I forgot to do diapers before we left so the diapers smell like a dump) bleach.  I never have problems with stink anymore, hallelujah.


OTHER RANDOM TIDBITS:

There were a couple other things I had to do differently than mainstream when I decided on cloth.

I guess most noteworthy of those is that you can't use traditional diaper rash creams because they contain waxes and such (this is how they work by repelling moisture from your baby's skin).  There's no way around it.

Fortunately, I've actually never had a diaper rash with cloth!  Every now and then things will get a little reddish in areas, but Coconut Oil works absolutely wonderful at acting as a moisture repellant in those cases, plus it helps to treat the rash, and it washes out of diapers, unlike waxy creams, so it's pretty great.  PS: also letting your baby hang out in the buff, especially in the sun, will kill the yeast.  Just fyi.

When Ros got the aforementioned ammonia burn, a little meleleuca ointment worked almost magically in treating it.  I tried it on a whim (we use it for stuff like cuts, light burns, bug bites, etc), and I was surprised at the difference it made in just a few hours.

Also, poop is not really an issue.

I have NEVER had a blow-out in cloth.  I've dealt with a few when she was in sposies...man those are nasty.  But with cloth, nada.  It just fits better.

As for getting it out of the diaper before washing, well, as they always say, breastfed baby poop is completely water soluble.  And it is.  But guess what I found?  SO IS FORMULA POOP.  I mean, it's not like I'm throwing chunks of poop in the washer, but, actually, I sort of did.  Sometimes it's too much effort to get out, so sue me.  And GUESS WHAT it all goes down the drain.  Some people even throw in food-formula poop, but I think dumping a little clump in the toilet before putting it in the pail is easier than picking out little pieces of food from the washer barrel post-washing.  Also, you're supposed to be dumping poop in the toilet even with a sposie (it's like the law or whatever, human waste is hazardous waste or somesuch, not like anybody listens to them).


I also use cloth wipes, because I think they're easier than getting a special bag to throw dirty paper wipes into.  Too much work.  We had about a million baby washcloths, so we just use those.  And I've tried pre-wetting them and keeping them in a bag, but when Ros started pooping like once per or once every couple of days, they got mildewy, so I switched to a spray bottle (part soap, part oil, part water).  But the thing has been empty for like a week, and it's just as easy to wet them in the sink first.  LA-Z.

For going out, I still use cloth, yep.  You can buy little wetbags that will fit a few diapers.  I actually bought some PUL and sewed (by hand) a couple of little bags for myself because I don't care and people charge too much for this crap.


CLOSING THOUGHTS:

ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?  Now it's YOU that deserves a pat on the back!

Random tidbit: For some reason people think they will never be able to use cloth because their husband or boyfriend or whoever will never be on board, or never be able to figure it out.  That's stupid, sorry.  Men are just as capable as anyone at changing diapers, and if they disagree, they are sexist against themselves (how meta that sounds).  I've known super manly/tough/insert-stupid-cliche-here men who have said they will "allow" their wife to have a kid so long as they never have to change a diaper.  Guess what, after that babe rolls around, they change plenty of diapers.  And cloth is no different.  And I know there are exceptions to everything, and that maybe there are people like that out there.  THAT SAID, maybe some of you are curious as to Sam's opinion of this whole shebang.  It is, in a nut shell, "That's bull.  I did it.  And it saves money.  Which makes me happy."  Update: he has recently added that he wishes Utah had a diaper cleaning service.  My mom used a diaper service when we were babes, as an aside.  I agree, I think that would be awesome, but I don't think it's all that much more difficult.  2 extra loads of laundry per week?  Meh.

Okay, so.  After this past almost-two-years, I will definitely say that though we ended up spending a little more than planned due to washing machine issues and not anticipating Ros' large quantities of toxic urine, I still have only spent...maybe $300 on diapers?  Maybe a skoshe more since I like to have a package of sposies on hand for emergencies (a small package would last a couple of months...or longer if she didn't outgrow them) [Update: Ros is now in sposies for nighttime because she outgrew the wool (seriously, this chub-child), so we do buy one small package per month] Which will take me up to potty training.  The average cost of disposables to potty training is about $1,600-$1,700 per child (according to a quick search on the intranetz...maybe you use coupons and get all your diapers free, I dee kay).  And seeing as these diapers will probably last through at least one other kid, I'd say that's a pretty dang good investment.

Now I'll bet you are wiped out.

What We Have is Good Enough

I'm going to share something personal now. I'm not one hundred percent sure exactly why I'm sharing it, but I feel like I should. Maybe somebody out there needs to read it.

First, the good news: I'm having another baby. It is a boy (more thoughts on this later maybe). The debut should be sometime around Christmas-- not only is it always impossible to tell exactly when, there also happens to be some confusion around my due date, so let's just go with Christmas. Hopefully I don't go into labor while I'm enjoying the premiere of the new Star Wars, because I'm not sure which I would prioritize at that point.

This is actually Ros, not the one in utero, but you never would've known if I hadn't said anything, because all fetuses look the same.

So, next, the story: not bad news really, just kind of a difficult story. I think I'm hesitant to share partly because I know there are people out there who would see this and say "Psh, that's nothing." And that's fine. I am sympathetic to all the difficult struggles people have, really. But that does not invalidate my experience or mean that what I went through wasn't hard.

January of 2014, Rosalind was born, as you may recall. It was an awesome delivery, though much faster than I expected, and I loved the experience. I've said a few times since then that if I never had to be pregnant or postpartum again (or, you know, raise that many kids), I'd give birth a dozen times.  But my pregnancy was really hard. I wasn't really sick, but that's not always the hardest part about being pregnant. It was not an experience I was eager to repeat. The nine months before that where we were actually trying to conceive a baby were also difficult for me.

But, so, she was born. And then the really hard part started. I know people have a harder time with the post-partum period than they let on. For me, personally, it was hell. I don't feel like going into great detail here, but basically, the stress of having a new baby, being horribly (horribly) poor, having a colicky baby, a predisposition for mental illness, trouble with nursing, and not asking for the right kind of help OR knowing when to tell people "no thanks" was a recipe for disaster. A really, really bad disaster. I remember being so conflicted between wanting to undo everything and feeling like my baby was not my baby, while simultaneously being terrified that people were trying to take my baby away from me. There's so much more than that, but that's the shallowest nutshell. It was bad.

It took a long, long time for me to reach some semblance of normal. I remember celebrating when I was able to have enough confidence to take a shower while Rosalind slept. Hint: it took me about 4-5 months longer than the average bear to be able to do this.

All this time, I swore I was done. Pregnancy had been hard, we hadn't had "immediate" success in getting pregnant, and the post-partum was too hard. It had taken too long in total and I knew trying again would also take too long and I didn't think I was up for that. But Sam felt there was someone else waiting for us to be ready, some other kid somewhere who needed to be with us. It was really, really hard for me to accept that. Eventually, I agreed to it, albeit reluctantly. We made a deal: we'll try for a certain amount of time, and if it doesn't work, that's it, and we'll move on. I need to be normalized, and I can't drag out the tumult. Something like that. It was a compromise, really. Sam always wanted four or so kids, and he knew that would never happen. He knew it before we got married, and he knew me and loved me well enough to accept that right out of the gate. So the least I could do was try.

And try we did. We actually started seemingly "right away," though it didn't amount to anything. In August, though, something went wrong. Starting in August, I bled for eight weeks straight. It was baffling. A miscarriage? Something else? Still, nobody knows.  I saw the doctor for it. And then, I found a lump in my abdomen. A big one. I could feel it, and it felt about the size of a lemon, at least. I went to the doctor again, we did blood tests, and she ordered a CT scan. She looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I had any family history of a few different types of cancer. Cancer? Well, yes, actually. She said not to worry, but there weren't a whole lot of other explanations. It could be a cyst, but it didn't seem to be in the right place.

Cancer.

I had my CT scan (in which I had to drink way too much of false-coconut-flavored junk for contrast) at the beginning (I think) of November.

The barium fakey-coconut stuff.

As an added bonus, it was so thick the straw stood straight up in it

If you know me, you know I'm no stranger to hospitals and medical tests, but this was different, it was harder. It's always (well, usually) been stuff that brings me hope, makes me feel like "we're figuring this out," and we were bringing me one step closer to getting better. But with all of this, it felt like step after step into the unknown. One night, Sam and I went on a date to see "Interstellar," which was a very good movie, but when we got home after, the whole "not being able to raise your child" part hit me, hard. I realized that maybe, just maybe, I was going to be one of those stories you hear about, where the young mother leaves her baby and husband behind. I never thought something like that could happen to me, not from physical illness, and it was the hardest prospect I think I've ever had to face.

Through this whole thing, we had still been trying for that second baby. Obviously I was not hopeful so long as I was bleeding before, and we thought long and hard about the consequences of a CT scan on a possible embryo, whether chemotherapy was an option during pregnancy, etc, but we never had success.

The day after "Interstellar" I took Sam and Ros with me into the mountains and we walked around and I took pictures of them. It was therapeutic, a bit, and I realized that there were very few things I truly wanted in this world: I wanted to raise my baby to adulthood. I wanted to grow old with my husband. Nothing else mattered any more. We'd been struggling to get on our feet financially, but I didn't even care about that any more. "I am grateful for Sam, and I am grateful for Rosalind. That's enough."

In my mind, that last sentence has always been the caption for this photo.

And even though this was a horribly depressing time, I keep a framed copy of this photo on the wall, to remind me of what I realized that day.

It took way too long to get the scan results back, I think because it got delayed from the holiday. We didn't get the results back til some time in December. They said: inconclusive. They found (strangely) nothing where I could feel the lump. They wanted me checked for ovarian cysts, just in case.  I remember I was at Walmart buying Sam a watch for Christmas and I almost cried in the store I was so happy.

So I had the ultrasound and they said they saw "pearling" on one of my ovaries, and a few cysts. I think the biggest one was about 3cm. The tech told me I was probably feeling a bone or something I had never felt before when I was feeling the lump. A bone, really?  Thanks, lump expert.

And then, a few days before I went in to discuss results with the doctor, the lump disappeared. It had been there for months, and then...gonzo. When I went in, the doctor was just as surprised as I was. She had felt it too, and then it simply wasn't there. All she could say was, "Well, cancer doesn't just go away, so that's reassuring."

It was then that we started talking about everything else. Cysts are actually fairly normal in any woman you pull off the street, but in conjunction with my blood results, it looked like possibly PCOS. My hormones were all over the place. We did a few more blood tests and talked about possible ways to get me pregnant, since she knew that was a goal. She said we had a few options, one being Clomid. That prospect made me nervous, because I was so afraid to have twins. I know the risks are relatively low, but it still happens, and the possibility of overwhelming myself even more than with just one baby was terrifying. We did a few more monitored cycles just to see what would happen.

In March, I got a phone call from the doctor. She said that though my blood tests didn't show PCOS, they had consistently shown that I had low to no progesterone at any given time. In case you don't know, progesterone is essential for ovulation and for sustaining a pregnancy. So, no wonder. We talked about more specific history, and it turns out that it's likely I have ovulated only a couple of times in my LIFE. It was a miracle it only took nine months to conceive Ros. In any case, she prescribed me Clomid.

I couldn't believe I had wasted all that time (both times) tracking fertility futilely, taking temperatures, stressing out, taking supplements and exercising (well I guess that wasn't a waste of time), etc etc etc. I was still scared about the Clomid, too, but after a lot of thought and prayer, I decided that no matter what, it would be okay. There was a worst possible outcome, but we would take everything one step at a time and hopefully avoid it. It took a lot of faith to pick up that prescription from the pharmacy.

The way this works is you take the pill for a couple of days at a specific point in the cycle, so I had to wait for that point. So we waited. And waited. And there was one random day when things were different. And then a week and a half later, much later than it should have been, the day in April when I was supposed to start the Clomid, I took a pregnancy test. And it was positive.

I was in complete disbelief. I can pinpoint to the day when conception occurred this time, and literally two days earlier I had had no progesterone. This is a legitimate, call-the-pope, capital-M Miracle.

I have no idea how or why this happened. I don't know why after going so long and fighting through so much, this happened. And it was literally only a couple of months before our cut-off to stop trying. I threw everything into the hands of faith, tried to prove I would give anything, still didn't get it, and then one day I did. Some people I've told this story to have said "well that's not so bad," or "others have had to go much longer and had fewer answers" or whatever else. And that's true. And I feel bad that they do. But because of that bleeding, and because of that lump, we got answers sooner. Because of that lump and because of that cancer scare, I realized what really mattered to me, and allowed myself to let go somewhat of my fears for the future enough to try. And that opened my heart and let all of this happen.

I'm twenty weeks pregnant now, halfway done.  There's a fetus poking and prodding inside me, something that's old hat by now.  This pregnancy has been hard too, even harder than the first time.  And I'm still scared of what will happen after the baby's here, but I'm already making a dozen plans, strict as they may be, so that I can feel safe going into this.

It's going to be hard.  It doesn't get easier for a while, I know that.  But I'm grateful for it all.  And gratitude turns what we have into enough.

Am I Too Tubby Gamara?

So, in other news, Rosalind continues to be chubby.  Although that's not the most interesting thing about her anymore, which is progress!

Ros turned 18 months recently, so I figured since that's somewhat of a big milestone, I'd do a little post on her before I start blogging about more or less interesting things (depending on your opinion).

Basically, she's not a baby anymore.  That becomes more apparent every day.  I have to say, toddlers are a lot more fun than babies.  I'd even venture to say they're easier, but if you know me, you know I had a difficult baby and a difficult time dealing with her.  In any case, I quite like the stage Ros is getting into.  I'll just go through some highlights and throw in some pictures:

Last week, we went to the doctor for her checkup.  She enjoys playing with the little toys they have while we're waiting, but this time when I had to take her clothes off, she threw a fit.  She wasn’t ready, I guess.  She was okay until the doctor came in, and then she screamed and ran to me and cried hard the entire time he was in the room, screeching anew every time he touched her or she had to turn around so he could look at something (she was burying her face in my neck).  She cried all through her shot (just one this time, and the last one til kindergarten!!!) and in the car, and was almost hyperventilating.  She has never been like that at the doctor before.  It was kind of ridiculous.  It was funny, but annoying, because I could hardly hear what the doctor was saying with all that screaming in my ear.  We went to D.I. afterward because it was the only thing open, and I bought her a tiny whisk, which she was very excited about (oh, the things that will calm a toddler).

I finally started keeping a list of words she knows.  The rules are that they just have to be ones that we recognize (meaning they don’t have to be pronounced correctly), and they have to be spontaneous, as in, she can come up with them herself, without prompting.  She apparently knows between 50 and 60 words, maybe more if I count onomatopoeias.  The doctor was incredibly impressed by that.  He says that is on the “fantastic” end of the spectrum.  She can also combine two words into phrases when she wants to, another thing the doctor was impressed by.  He says she sounds very verbal and very smart, which makes sense because she is almost literally talking non-stop these days.  It’s a little reassuring to hear all that, because she’s been so consistently behind on her gross motor skills.  She obviously can walk well enough now, but her balance is horrible and she falls down or trips frequently.  She can’t run yet, to which the doctor replied “Well, she’ll get there.”  That’s been his response for everything I’ve said “no, she can’t do that” to over the months (pulling up, walking, crawling, etc etc).  But that’s okay.

Oh, so we obviously had her measured at the doctor, and she weighed almost 26 pounds and was about 32 and a half inches tall.  I’m seriously surprised she doesn’t weigh 30 pounds yet, but she has always felt heavier than she is basically since day one (did I ever mentioned after they weighed her at birth and saw she was 9lb4oz, didn’t believe it, checked to see if the scale was broken, and weighed her again?  They were surprised she wasn’t over 10 pounds).  Anyway.  She’s been in 2T stuff for a while, but it has to be stretchy.  Anything fitted, or jeans, is basically gone.  She’s quite the fatty, and I don’t know how that’s possible.  This is including days when she’s in disposable diapers, so don’t go blaming it on cloth.

The “terrible twos” I think are beginning.  She whines a lot more than she used to, and seems to give in to her emotions a lot more frequently instead of using one of her billions of words to actually tell us what she wants.  She’s in the throes of hitting-for-fun (or hitting when someone is uncooperative), which is so so nice, just in time for nursery.  Hooray.  She also has started stomping her feet up and down when she’s upset about something, which makes me have to stifle a laugh.

She is also getting into real-world stuff.  I guess that’s a weird way to word it, but by that I mean that she is very interested in routine, in her personal hygiene (brushing teeth, washing hands, toileting, etc) and participating and doing it herself.  She wants to help do everything.  I let her pick her outfits out of her drawer every day (as is sometimes evident by a poor pattern choice), and she helps move the stool around to wash her hands, etc.  She climbs all over everything and gets into everything, and tries to help pick out my own clothes for the day (not happening).  She accompanies me to the toilet to dump stuff from her diaper and is learning how to flush.  Sometimes she asks to sit on the toilet when she’s pooping, but she almost always immediately forgets why she’s there and just wants to play, then the poop comes later, which is fun for me because I have to deal with it twice.  Oh well.

She also is interested in preparing food.  We’ve collected little dishes for her to use while we’re making dinner and stuff, and she loves it.  It’s pretty cute.  She loves her bunny, and will take bunny to the toilet, tuck bunny into “bed” (with any cloth lying around), put bunny in her chair and buckle him in, feed bunny with her toy dishes, etc.  It’s pretty cute, and I love watching her do it.  I’m this close to giving her a doll, but I’m hesitant because it’s so adorable with the bunny.

Anyway, she’s just getting big.  We’re switching out a lot of her toys for more age-appropriate stuff (budget allowing), and she is loving trying new things.  She also loves to play with her cousins.  She sees Megan’s kids every now and then, and since Sam's sister Caity moved here from Connecticut, Ros has been able to see her cousin Bea pretty frequently.  They love playing together, except that Ros doesn’t like to be told what to do or have her hand held.  Other than that, though, they do fine, and I think it’ll be good for Ros to have a regular playmate since we don’t have any playgroups going on around here anymore, at least, not that I know about.

Speaking of playmates, Rosalind started nursery!  She loves “singing” and sitting in tiny chairs and playing with other kids, so I think over all she will love the experience.  Her first day was on Sunday.  There actually isn’t much to say about it!  We dropped her off, introduced ourselves to the nursery leader, and she went off to play.  Apparently she had a good time with all the activities they did, and we went to pick her up afterwards and she was still fine.  She started freaking out a bit when she saw our faces, but apparently she was a champ the whole time.  I’m glad it was so easy, and hopefully it will continue to be easy.  They gave us her coloring page—I’m not sure why, as it only has one tiny red squiggle of crayon on it.  I'm probably the only one, but I think that’s hilarious, so I’m keeping it.

What else...oh!  Her memory is getting better, too.  For instance, we have tons of spiders, beetles, earwigs, and other wonderful things living in this apartment (I bet you all want to come visit now, eh?).  A few weeks or maybe a month ago, we were eating breakfast and a big spider goes crawling across the wall.  I don't want to freak out about spiders or bugs or stuff around Ros because I'd rather her be interested in them than afraid of them, so we pointed at the spider and talked about it for a minute, then it crawled behind a painting we have above the kitchen table.  That night, she pointed to the painting and asked "Where'd it go?" so we looked back there, and of course it was gone.  Almost every meal now, she will point at the painting and ask "where'd it go?" thinking that the spider is still hanging around (it better not be).

She's also showing preference for things.  Obviously I'm encouraging this with letting her pick out her clothes for the day, but sometimes she'll freak out if I give her the wrong pacifier or the wrong color of bib.  So there's that.

Anyway, she's just progressing right along, and for some reason has gotten a lot more cuddly lately.  No clue why, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Pictures!

Wearing hats and carrying things are her "thing"

Madam, how do you do?

Sunday morning lie-in

Again with hats.

Playing at Aunt Caity's house

All ready for her first day at nursery!  You can see her arm rolls through that sweater...

Climbing on the dresser

"NIGH-NIGHT BUNNEEE!!" (A lot of things are yelled these days)

See what I mean?  Why.

And an outfit choice I should've nixed.

Cabo

Last week we had the opportunity to visit Mexico, specifically Los Cabos, for a week. We were invited along by Sam's parents, who said basically, "We are going, whoever can come is welcome," so we got ourselves there and there you are.

Unfortunately, as people who are not big drinkers or surfers, Los Cabos is not exactly a dream destination for us, but we found enough to do and had lots of sunshine and relaxing and delicious food, so it worked out. The Los Cabos area is actually two cities: Cabo San Lucas and San José del Cabo. We stayed in SJdC, which is more "local" and quite a bit less touristy (meaning fewer bars and clubs and more of other things to do), so that worked out well in our favor.

We flew down on Saturday and arrived at our hotel. The hotel people basically told us up front that they were encouraging people not to check in, and to either go home or find somewhere else to stay. The air was very still and hazy and the ocean was all riled up. All signs pointed to...Hurricane Blanca.

It's funny to me because I had been checking the weather in the days leading up to our trip, and it had just started saying "90% chance of rain" etc, but never anything about a HURRICANE. So I was clueless about it until we got to the airport.

Stormy skies

Some of the windows were boarded up in anticipation

It was kind of crazy on Sunday, especially by the afternoon/evening. Everywhere in town was closed and power in the city was limited, so we ate dinner at the hotel's one functioning restaurant, and it really made me feel bad. The security guys were trying to barricade the doors with sandbags because the insane winds kept blowing them open and blowing things in there. Whatever food they were bringing to the patrons they had to bring from another kitchen (which was running on their emergency generator), and everyone was harried and/or worried. On top of that, a number of other guests were complaining about how their drink was too watery or something else was too blah blah blah. I commend the staff for getting through it like they did, because if it were me, I would've punched somebody in the face and gone home and hidden myself.

A hurricane (Sam wants me to point out that his face is a bit exaggerated)

Unhappy waters

The palms got even more bent and blown than pictured here

The wind was picking up sand and spitting it on us on our way back up to the room. That night I found all kinds of sand in my hair. When it was dark, Sam and I stood out on the walkway and looked out over the city and all you could see were a couple of red emergency lights on top of an adjacent hotel. All you could hear was the eerie sound of the incessant wind and rain, whipping some debris somewhere nearby.

The darkness that night in the city

And for comparison, the night view on a night we had power

By late the next morning, the wind had died down significantly and the rain had stopped. There were palm fronds in the pool and leaves and styrofoam all over everything, but the staff was already out there sweeping up and wiping everything down. Again, I was impressed by them.

That day we drove into the foothills and went for a hike called Sol de Mayo that went to a little water fall that poured into what was supposed to be a blue-green swimming hole. Unfortunately, because of Blanca, the water was thick with mud and chocolatey brown, so we didn't feel good about swimming in it, but the hike was still fun, and easy enough that I don't think anybody felt like we had wasted our time. The proprietors of the trail area had several freaky hairless dogs (friendly though), and one adorable, wobbly little puppy. They had lots of other animals too-- turtles, donkeys, goats-- and it was over all just a quiet, peaceful little place. The desert was all green and a-bloom from the rain and it was very pretty.

On the trail

The waterfall and swimming hole

The pup

After the hike, we drove back through the little town of Santiago to look at the mission there. We found a dog sleeping in a patch of sun, and he was the only sign of life in that part of town.

Finally, we drove back to San José, found that nearly every restaurant was still closed from the storm, and finally got a recommendation for a place called Sardina Cantina. We had a (very) late lunch there, which everyone in the group except me thought was one of the best places we ate the whole trip, but I think it was 4th or 5th on the ranks. We were just starving. Bonus: we were moved to a new room, with an ocean view, and it was great.

The next day, after a delicious homemade breakfast from Sam's parents, we all went for a walk down at the estuary. It was incredibly hot and humid that morning, and Hurricane Odile (from November) had destroyed most of the pathway, but we saw lots of fun animals, like cormorants, osprey, loons, turtles, and even horses grazing on or near the paths. Cami even found some stinging fire ants (ha ha).

After that we spent most of the day swimming and hanging around. For lunch we ate at a delicious fish taco place called Blue Fish. Honestly, I am not a huge fan of fish tacos, but these were very tasty, and I think Blue Fish made my spot for 2nd best place we ate on this trip.

Birds at the estuary

That night for dinner (which we thought we were having pretty late, just before 8 o'clock, but were apparently still very early), we went to my favorite restaurant from the trip, Las Cazuelas del Don.

It was a quiet little local place on a covered patio, and the proprietor/owner/cooks talked with us and told us the story of how they started the restaurant, and it was kind of a fun story, which is a little too long for me to relate here.

Aside from the conversation and company, they also had the best taco soup I think I've ever tasted, and the main course, of course, was the cazuela dish. A cazuela is a clay pot, and after par-cooking the meat (we got beef) on a grill, they stew it for a couple of hours with spices and vegetables. Then they fish the meat out and put it in another clay pot (smaller) with a ton of cheese and other things and cover it with foil, heating it on the grill until it's bubbly like a mini volcano. Then you put that stuff on a fresh little tortilla and top it with lime, because "In Mexico, we put límon on everything, we believe it counteracts the grease." Also because lime is delicious.

The next day, Wednesday, we all drove over to Cabo San Lucas and took a boat ride out around the tip of the peninsula to see El Arco and the other rock formations, plus pelicans and sea lions. I love being in boats, so I had a really great time.

Toursits

Land's End and a debatably animatronic pelican

After the boat ride, we were going to head over to the Natural History Museum, but when we arrived there, we discovered they had never gotten their power back after the weekend, and they weren't letting anybody in. I would've been happy to go through with flashlights or even using phones as lights, but they refused. I was pretty upset, because that was one thing we planned that I was really looking forward to (yeah, okay, I'm a dork, whatever).

That night, we went over to a restaurant recommended by Carlos, one of the guys at the front desk, who I liked because he was sarcastic and sassy, and still friendly. He sent us to this place for free drinks with our meal, which I thought was pretty cool. It was called El Herradero, and I almost wish we had gone here a different day, because the signature dishes, served in molcajetes, were pretty similar to the cazuela dishes from the night before. But El Herradero was little more commercialized, or at least more used to crowds, so it was fun in a different way, and they specialized in guacamole and salsas, so that was different. But the main dishes were pretty similar (though I got a different meat, and the molcajetes came with cactus and avocado as well, and were stewed in salsa). This place was probably my 3rd favorite.

Sam's molcajete (with shrimp)

And mine (chicken, cactus, onion, etc)

On Thursday we went to a fancy lunch place that every list had recommended and we had to get reservations for. While Flora's Field Kitchen (at Flora Farms) had a great setting and atmosphere (on a farm where they grow their own food for the restaurant), the food was rather meh. I mean, it was good, but it wasn't very special, and it was all pizza and salads and burgers-- nothing you can't get in the US. I think we all generally agreed on this one, that we probably wouldn't recommended the restaurant there to anyone, though it was kind of neat to walk through the little growing fields (and would've been even more so if it hadn't been about a billion degrees).

The extent of their little market in the summer (but pretty)

Sam, making fun of my entire childhood

Lovebirdz 4 lief

Later that evening, we went to downtown San José for the famed Art Walk. It wasn't very crowded because June is the off season in Los Cabos, but there were some interesting artists and craftmakers, so that was cool. We also checked out the Mission there in the town square.

It got too hot to be out, so we took refuge again in nearby El Herradero, and gorged ourselves on guacamole for a while (and they gave us free drinks again because we came back!). Eventually, it was cool enough to be out, so we walked around town and got souvenirs and looked at the art. It was pretty peaceful that evening.

The next day, Friday, Sam and I went for a long walk on the beach, past the sad little surf competition (no waves since the storm), and walked around some cliff/pseudo-cave stuff. We found loads of shells and coral.

Later, Sam and Peter and their dad went back to Cabo San Lucas to go snorkeling. Personally, I prefer SCUBA, and the area they went was pretty crowded, so I didn't go. No one else was really interested either, so we kind of sat around and waited for them to return. When they got back, Sam said he got stung by a jellyfish (ouch!) and that they spent a lot of time jumping off rocks and swimming.

After that, we got cleaned up and drove back to Cabo San Lucas for dinner. We went to a place called Mi Casa, that had amazing tamales, but those were just the appetizers. My main dish was not that special, though it was tasty. We walked around town for a bit, then drove home.

On Saturday, we flew home, and that was that! I'll probably never exert myself to visit Los Cabos ever again, but we ate some delicious food and had a good time trying to find off-the-beaten-path activities. I was also very impressed with the way people handled the impending storm, even if it blew itself mostly out before it hit us, and I was very happy at how kind and friendly every person (with maybe one or two exceptions) we met was to us. Overall, a good break.  And the night after we got home and were lying quietly in bed in the dark, Sam said to me, "You know, I already miss the sound of the ocean."